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a quick $12

get into work early for my night shift nd my boss is there doing the front desk shift. so aparently he helped a gental man today get into a room that was amazing so as he was leving he gave him a tip. then to my amazement gave me one i was there like 10 min and i got money for looking good :) . the kicker is my boss got like $4 and i made out with the $12 tip for looking good. boss was agravated but ha i win karma for all the bad tips at work.

i am alive?


I am alive I think?

I am back and posting maybe one time a week or more maybe. Will be just doing more of my crazy things. Hope you all are ok out there stay warm ok no cold people.

the air glitters

It is time

I have awoken

From this bliss filled hell

My mask glitters in the air

Ripped off by my own two hands

The hands on the outside calling for me

It shatters as it leaves me

Still it haunts me

But no more will I wear it

Never again


I see clear now with my eyes of pale blue

That the world is not as dark

It is I who is that dark

I feel happy

I feel warmth

I feel calm

I feel power

I feel my wings


With my mind awake

I will grow again

I will attain my control again

I will live a happy life again

I will love again


Time holds all the answers I want

Time will let me grow

But time is always against us

I will cherish my time in this world

I can see more now

I see time flow as I do with it


Now is the time the time

For a new book in my life

The masked one is closed

Now who will help me write it?


will and grace after the end of the show

hi alls time for an update yay...maybe. so i am out and happy that i did it i feel drained still it helped to be with people that i know are there for me like grace and karen (love you steph and sarah). my parents are still in the denial faze but i will live and i still have yet to know who the hell the counsler is errrr. had an amazing weekend at stephs place even if i had to go to sleep early it was still a good time. i am still planing on tring to get out of the state or just out of my parents house the place is killing me. i am still in love with my boyfriend and cant wait for the weekend after the panmass bike race to see him mmmmmm i get to hold him again :)  so almost all the stuff is going ok for now i hope to see you all a bit more but work and home never help. 

your happy will 

like the bird of flame

a bit of my mind right now in poem form

I fall so far that the flame dies
I feel the flame go out
As the mask lays there in ashes
I am reborn again
Anew and better

I hold the power of the flame of rebirth
I hold the water to heal myself
I control the flame in me
To burn away that which pains me
To stop the flame when it needs control

I have fallen before
My flame went out
I became one of the lost
I had no flame just the water to heal
Yet still it was a well made dry

I was borne again when my flame was re lit
Like the fire bird phoenix
I gained more power
I lost more control
Yet was reborn

I have fallen again and i hold the ashes of a mask now
I will bring life back to it no more
It is not part of me anymore
The ash will darken me but it will show my true self
The one in balance with dark and light

I have lived more than most
For that i have to cary my flame
I burn but i will be reborn again
Forever i will be i will grow
As the pile of ashes grows so will I

I will grow
I will learn
I will burn
I will heal
I will be who i am


time to take it off

to all of you there are event in motion i have started that will change me. the actions will free me from my mask and the weight i have held for so long. soon i will walk free of it as it shatters to the wind as i rip it off and walk to the people that care about me and love me you all know who you are and i am so happy to have you all in my life especially 

caffien_godsand oh_thehumanity there is one other person i need to mention and that is my boyfriend who has helped me so much as well. so to you who know me i will still be who i am and always have been i will just be more happy that i am free to be who i am at home finally.
after monday my life will change and it will be for the better i know and i will be walking out of the closet into the arms of the people i love and care about even if you are not there you are in my heart and thoughts you all have given me so much. i will never for get any of you. 

with a glimmer in my eye
and hope in my heart  



i got taged some what

tagged by noroi_inu

Post the explanation of where your username came from. Then tag TEN users whose explanations you'd like to hear. If you are tagged, then post the explanation to your page.

hi all ok i am a gamer and stuff as some people know. my use name is because of a game final fantasy IX(FF9) there are three carcters called blackwaltz one, blackwaltz two, and blackwalts three. i took blackwaltz 4 as my name because there shuld be a blackwalts of all the elements and he lives to tell the game so i took his name. and it is just bad ass to be a blackwaltz they are cool and have amazing wings.



the tears have faded

:site down in the middle of a field and scream with tears spilling out of my eyes:
i feel like this some days. today was a good yet very bad day. i woke up at about 10am to my parents talking about me in the kitchen and the topic of them wanting to put even more of a restraint on my life. i stayed in bed till about 12pm(noon) i was trying to just push all the crap out of my mind as i felt extremely depressed due to my parents trying to take over my life again. then i got a call from my friend brian he wanted to go out to lunch before i went in to work at 3pm. i told him yes thinking i would have time to eat and chat but no he got to my house late and i was late to work today errrrrrrrr. at work i was pissed at peoples stupidity (god i feel like i attract them at work) but on my brake i got to talk to my bf 8D it all ways makes me happy to talk with him. got out of work at about 11:11pm hopes in the shower and talked with the sarah she made me feel better about what i am planing for my year to come. there will be lots of crying nathan. but in the end of it all will be a free and happy nathan.
so my week starts on a happy note i have a loving boyfriend, my good friends, and a plane to free myself from my hell.
miss all of you.
you have helped me fade the tears.
there are more to come.
lend me you hands to help me.
fade the tears to come.
a calm

as time ticks on

at the clock ticks to 12:00
i feel a paing
the pull at the mask
my mind want it off
it wants to throw it to the floor
hit it with a hammer
shater it to millions of pieces
scater it to the wind
then look at the sun
see the light for the first time
the light that is in me
the light hidden in the dark
the light hidden behind the mask
i can't pull it off on my own
i wait for help to ariver
it is on it's way but still
i yearn to rip it off now
still i can't for my own safty
to keep myself whole of him
the one who will help me take it off
rip away the lies the mask held
take away the pain it holds
let my light free from the dark
take hold of me and give me love
as he wipes away the tears
the tears of fear, sadness, and sorrow
my mask will be pulled off
not with just my hands
but with are hands
the people in my life will help me
even if you are not at my side
you are in my heart
and you help my hands stay stedy
he will be with me
to take it away
to free me
to hold me
to love me
him and i
as one
as us

mmmmmm quiet how i missed you

hi all i am back on and i am very happy now. the reason is i am in love i have found my other he is amazing he sees past my mask and sees my true self. i am still planing to move down to orland this year. yet i face massive walls blocking my path one is my mom and dad. they still dont know about my sexual orentatin or that i even want to move. in time i will tell them but i am waiting for tris to be with me to do that because it will drain a lot out of me and i want someone behind me to help me when it all starts to fall down. i will still get out of school on time but that is still a work in progres. then there is the whole  moving out part it will not be as hard as coming out but i will be problematic. there is then the friends i have had for so long that to this day have no clue i am gay and they are bothe very agains gay people :( that will get fun errrrrrrrrrr...... i have come close to just tell ing them but i dont want to be an open target out there with just my self to defend me with. i hope all will go well and stuff but i will take my steps with care as par for the norm and try to keep myself whole. 
now for good news i got my reveiw just as i was leaving my job at the food end of publick house it went well and i get a nice $.50 raise for moving my job so it is nice and i have a stable work week yay. i know what i will make from week to week so it is nice and i actualy have money that is not all going towards school. yay spending money kind of. 
so that is my update for now i need to sleep 

with hope and light